The Coffee Mug

This is the last post of this blog.

Why the last one? Just because Dorotti grew up. The all nonstop questioning voice within had disappeared and it’s filled with piece most of the times. However, I sit here to write this text just because the Facebook started pinging me recently almost every other day “your readers wants to hear from you.” Ok. Why not. It might not be entirely clear, but I started this blog with a certain goal. I was travelling through the very hard times in my life. Still, for some reason, I always had a very strong belief that I will go through, and I just wanted to share the journey with the  others, and giving the proof that you can reach everything you want. Well, not everything. But most of it.

Before writing this text I went through my previous texts, and well.. I feel a bit humble, and not sure if I am still able to write in the same way.. Well, my English was a bit of a crap, but Lithuanians ones, quite lovely. Wasn’t those? ; ) So.. with this I just wanted to say.. be thankful for your inner demons. Sometimes they give you some super power ; )

But let’s come back to my initial goal. What I had learn during those years? Well, a lot.

Self Confidence 

Lack of the self confidence might be one of the most common reasons to feel unhappy. We blame ourself not being good enough, but at the same time, we blame the others for not delivering to our expectations. And only when you learn to love yourself and forgive for what you are not, you can honestly forgive all the others also. It’s not easy though.

To my understanding, most of lack of self confidence come from some very certain physical flaw. It might be just your look, or some actual health problems. Let’s admit that. In our world there are very few people gifted with strong health, even at young age. The problem that we hide that (or sometimes don’t even know). We feel like we are the only one like this in this world. And it’s so so not true. The tough thing is that when we do not feel strong physically, we also feel very sensitive emotionally and is when your demons strike (here for the demons I have in mind any feeling, that you are wrong kind of person, not good enough, or did something wrong, or whatever). Well, I am not saying that I think that everybody has serious illness, but just remember how you feel when you have a back ache, or woman at their menstrual days. It would be really hard to stand in a crowd and speak when you don’t feel good. And we don’t have anyone to help us, the cycle might be locked. As if we feel bad emotionally, you can’t expect strong physical health either. And here, we never know who came first to fail, the emotional of physical health?

One of the most amazing man I had met, had confessed me, that he had lost his sense of smell. How would you feel if you lost your sense of smell? Well.. not so good. But in fact, after he shared this to me, he only strengthen his position in my eyes. We all are a bit broken. And that’s ok.

I want to stop a bit here, and just remind. Even though you are on your down and your demons had overtook you, appreciate it. Really. Why? If you ever study strongest artists, musicians, business leaders and even sportsmen, most of them has those demons chasing them. Luckily, more and more actors start talking about mental health problems. And if you don’t have your demon, you are just boring. Sorry for that. But it a case most of the times. The only thing separating those who succeeded and those who did not, is just a question if they learnt to handle their demons and enable to do work for them, instead of hunting them. Have you ever though, that excitement and anxiety is actually the very same emotion in physical terms? Yet, excitement empowers you with energy, while anxiety just swallows all energy you have. What if you learn to switch those two when you get a bit anxious?

Another thing. Just Trust Yourself. And all what you do. The thing is, that all the things we know and those things we are good at, we don’t value. If we are good at something, we do that easily without efforts, and we also think that all the others can do the same with the same effortless way. It’s so not true. We all have something special, which nobody has. Find that thing, and be proud of it. And no no no, just don’t try to get the confirmation from the others. First of all, you need to be enough with your own opinion. Be proud of you being You. I am proud of You :*

I really spent part of my life hating myself like hell. For absolutely everything. Not being beautiful. Not being smart. Not being strong. I also had a very strong persuasion, that I need to prove the others that I am Worthy. 

  • “How do you measure your worthiness?”- one wise woman asked me. 
  • “With the works I had done.” – this was my answer. 
  • “How you measure your work? When it would make you feel worthy?”.  Here I was a bit lost, as I didn’t have a true answer. The only thing which kind of made sense was: 
  • “Well, it should turn into money I guess. Well yes. It would be measured in money”. 
  • “How important is money for you? Why you want to earn them?” 
  • “I don’t care about money at all as long as I am able to cover survival expenses. But if I am able earn money, people would respect me, and would love me”. 
  • “Do you really think that people would love you only if you earn enough money?” I shrug my shoulders, and almost with tears I said:
  • “Yes.”
  • “Didn’t you ever think that people love you just because of you being You?”
  • “It’s not possible.” 

Strong Relationship 

Now listen carefully. The Most Important thing in your live to be healthy and happy (and then smart, successful and etc.. ) is strong relationship with other people. There were event a study done about this.

Unfortunately, we lose our ability to keep strong relationship. In the book “Outliers: The Story of Success” . The authour gives multiple examples that the great success is mostly depends on 3 things: pure chance, social skills and hours spent on work. The social skills are those learnt in the family and sadly, the poor families tend to spend too few time for their kids education, and also fail to give the good examples how to interact with people. On the other hand, the wealthy families tend to have strong social skills and this way not only give a good example to their children, but also spend time with them enhancing their skills and also simply creating strong relationships.

And what if you didn’t happen to be born in a family with a strong healthy relationship? Well, you simple need to learn it yourself. In my case the author who put all the dots on i, was the Dale Carnegie. I had read couple of his books and I felt like I found the lost treasures of the human kind. The funny thing what I understood, that all those things I really wanted from the others, never ever dared(yes exactly, I did not dare) to give myself to the others.

Be very sure of this: “Nobody would ever  (truly) love you for the works you had done, or for the money you had earned. It will never ever happen.” And instead: “People would love you if you make them feel good.” Simple as that. So, how do you ensure you make them feel good? On the most important thing is to simply appreciate them honestly and let them feel truly important. In here, the willingness to be better, than the others can play an opposite role: being better than the others would only make them feel less worthy, and they would avoid you. And instead, if you make them feel better than the others, they will really want to be with you. Here I do not say, that you should become a mat under someone feet. For the only reason: nobody would get inspired by the mat. You need to inspire people as well. You need to help them achieve their goals and not only take pride of our own. You’ve better be silent with your own achievement. Your actions speak better than words.

Funny thing is that most of my life I was taught completely opposite things. No wonder I was failing to reach my happiness. Luckily, I found that most of those things I somehow felt inside me, but never released them to work, just because was taught to behave differently.

Now remember this: If you ever meet someone who is not nice to you, just try to behave super nicely and honestly:(if only he engages in the conversation) first of all listen to him attentively and make sure you understand his opinion. Try to point those parts where you agree with him. Try to give him feeling he is understood and you care of him. But do that really honestly. And see what happens. No, I won’t say you. You need to check it out yourself.

Of course, those things not always work and some lost relationship you need to forget. As same Dale Carnegie said “There is nothing more devastating than waiting the phone to ring”. You just need to let it go. No matter what you do, you might never be good enough for someone, which doesn’t say anything about your actual performance. You just need to let it go, and take it as a lesson. It’a a really valuable lesson after all. Also, if you give something to others, never ever expect to get the same from the very same people.  In life you give to one people, and receive from the others. This is how it works. And it’s ok. I have one story about this.

Once I landed in Oslo after long connected flight in the morning, so basically I didn’t sleep at night, as needed to take the flight. And once I reached the airport I felt so tired that about to fall down. I needed to hurry to the office as I had a fixed meetings, but I felt like I die if I don’t get some food. I headed to the nearest cafe and ordered smoothie, cake and a coffee… and.. my card was not working and I din’t have cash either. My other card was under procedure of replacing, so not working either, and I found myself being in the most expensive country with no money. I felt like it starts pinging in my ears, when I heard: “I will pay for her coffee”. It was the “coffee” for ~15eur and someone had payed just like that. When I relaxed from the shock, I had approached the person trying to thank him. Well, there were nothing else I could do. I just wanted to say him how much it means for me. All what he answered was: “No worries. I simply needed some extra karma points today.”  I lend him all my “karma points” I had at that time. And after this happening I am always looking if maybe my extra karma point might hang around. I think this coffee pot initiated so much more karma points being exchanged, as I keep telling this story to everybody, and it’s only sad he might never know about this. But please share your karma points for the others as an honour for this very nice person.

One note for those who know me personally. Never ever think, that I try to do the tricks to make relationship. I so love and very honestly appreciate all my friends, and just trying to be there for you just because I really want to be there for you if only I can. I was studying all those things just to understand what I do wrong, when actually all what I really wanted was just to love and being loved.

Was I completely honest that my demons are gone? Nope. They are still there. And this is my Super Power 😛 And my demons greets yours ; ) Say Hello ; )

P.S.

I can’t stop listening the song bellow and the meaning of the lyrics:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bo_efYhYU2A 

( And just look how he looks at her in the film interviews.. OMG.. And she is really worth it.. She also had confessed she was suffering from depression. )

 

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LP

[Scroll down for English]

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Iki šiol aš niekada neturėjau savo vieno mėgstamiausio muzikos atlikėjo. Tuomet kai paauglysteje visi mano draugai buvo pakvaišę dėl vieno ar kito savo dievuko, aš savojo neturėjau. Man patikdavo atskiros ie gan skirtingos dainos, muzika, bet nebuvo nei vieno artisto, kuris mane “užpildytų”.

Kai pirmą kartą teko klausytis LP jos muzika mane tarsi kažkas supurtė. Aš nesupratau ar tai man patinka ar nepatinka, bet tas potyris buvo toks naujas ir nepažintas, todėl klausiau vėl ir vėl.. ir BAM.. LP turi dar vieną visiškai pakvaišusią savo fanę..

Kodėl norėjau pasidalinti apie LP?.. ne, ne vien tik dėl jos muzikos (kiekvienas turim savo skonį ir stilių), bet dėl jos fenomeno, sugebančio iš proto varyti visą pasaulį ir apie tai kodėl ji mane taip velniškai įkvepia.

Kai pirmą kartą pamačiau jos vaizdo įrašą pirmiausia pati sau uždaviau tą patį klausimą, kurį užduoda beveik kiekvienas: “Pala, pala, o tai čia vyras ar moteris?..” O ir atsakymas toks paprastas: “nei tas nei tas”. Tai tiesiog žmogus.

Ir ne, nenoriu daug kalbėti apie jos seksualinę pakraipą, bet tik paminėti faktą, kad ji yra kitokia. Ir dėl to kiekvienam kvailam aišku, kad and lėkštutės jai niekas nebuvo padėta.

Kai tiek daug žmonių verkia esą negražūs, neįvertinti, nepastebėti, plūsta šiuolaikinę mediją už iškreipto grožio kulto formavimą, LP stovi ant scenos su savo gitara visa susivėlus ir .. švilpauja..  prikaustydama taip, kad net sulaikai kvepavimą. Neegzistuoja jai jokie gožio standartai (o ji labai stilinga. tik nestandartiškai), ir bet kokia manekenė/manekenas pastatyti šalia atrodytų kaip plastikiniai.

Ir apskritai jei paimtume bet kokį nevienadienio populiarumo žmogų ir nuvalytume jo darbus ir pasiekimus akyse mums liktų tik baisus, pavargęs ir praplikęs senis. Ir būtent jų energija, žinios, patirtis, mentalitetas, kuriuos iš ties turime ugdyti dato juos tokiais nepaprastais ir kultiniais.

Mes tiesiog turime surasti ir daryti tai, kam esame gabūs. Dirbti su meile, atsidavimu ir būti šiek tiek išprotėję..


 

I had never had my favorite music artist when i was a teenager. When all my friend was crazy about their music Idols, I had never had one. I loved separate songs and the flow of the sound, but not really caring about the artist as it did not happened that the other their songs i would like the same. And it was all the time before I listened to LP (Laura Pergolizzi). When listening for the first time I was not really sure if i like it or not. But there was definitely something different and i could not even recognize my feelings. But hearing it another and yet another time I understood it’s something so thrilling and i just can’t get enough of it.. then started browsing for the artist and the other songs and.. surprise surprise I loved the all more or less.. And here you have.. one more totally crazy fan and her Idol.

So who is LP? At this point i get lost as i can’t specify the gender. And this was the first question popped up in my head when i saw her video for the first time. And it’s the same question is asked when i share her albums to someone else. Well.. she is neither man nor woman. She is simply a human. The amazing human.

I did not spend much time on browsing to get ALL the details of her life as i let her works speak for themselves. And they speak. A lot. And loudly. And it’s one more thing why i love her so much.

So when you see her for the first time and question yourself who she/he is you should be an idiot not to understand her life was not too easy. And she did something just very right to happen to be where she is now. And with this post i want to talk to those who feel like being not beautiful enough. Not lucky enough. Not talented enough. Or simply being too different in our advertising society. Whenever you feel pity of yourself look at LP. Any beauty standards does not exist to her. And instead.. she is standing on the scene with her messy hair and the guitar and.. whistling..  making everybody hold their breath..

Kai nuvažiuoja stogas, pasimato žvaigždės

– Ir kas tau išrinko šitą automobilį? – bene dažniausias klausimas kurį gaunu iš racionaliai mastančių žmonių.
Atvirai prisipažinsiu: apie automobilius neišmanau nieko. Nič nič nieko. Ir lygiai taip pat puikiai žinau, kad visi Peugeot, Renault ir visi kiti “o” yra ‘говно’.
Už automobilio išrinkimą atsakingas buvo tėtis. “Aš pirksiu, aš važiuosiu. Dėl to jis turi būti mažas, taupus ir po pirmų metų nesugriūtų. Na ir pigus. Pirma mašina visgi.. ir vairavimo stažas.. 1 mėn. prieš 11 metų..” (Kaip aš taip išgyvenau.. please, do not ask, I have no idea.. :P) Man tiesiog reikėjo mašinos, kuri važiuotų. O kai nežinai kas per velnias ta mašina.. tai nelabai žinai ir ko norėt. Bet visgi.. pradžioj nusprendėm kad mano kriterijus labiausiai atitinka Škoda Fabia.. (Ir dar panaši į Mini Cooper.. o jie tokie gražūūūsss…) Po ilgų paieškų mane tėtis visgi perkalbėjo į Golfą. Nu.. Ok. Man gi reikia tiesiog Mašinos. Mašinos! Kuri važiuotų! Čia ir dabar!
Ir taip ėjo mėnuo.. du.. trys.. pusė metų.. Gana! Atsiverčiau automobilių skelbimus pati. Išvaliau visus išsaugotus filtrus, palikau vos keletą. Rikiuojam pagal “New”! Ir štai jis.. Toks juodas.. Sportinis.. Gražus(iš galo).. Kabrioletas.. Kurio mano tėtis nieku gyvu nepasirašys.. Ir apskritai.. Kas perka kabrioletą vidurį žiemos??? Lietaus šalyje.. Ir dar Peugeaut.. Skelbimą “Close”.
Už.. 65% numatyto biudžeto.. 2008 metų automobilis.. “Open” Vis dar gražu. Peugeaut. “Close”.
“Open” 65% biudžeto. Mašina. Važiuojanti. Kabrioletas. Peugeot. “Close”
“Open” 65% biudžeto. Mašina. Važiuojanti. Kabrioletas. Juodas.. Hmm.. Tėtis. “Close”
“Open” 65% biudžeto. Mašina. Važiuojanti. Kabrioletas. Juodas.. Hmm.. Draugė irgi turi kabriotetą. Nusiunčiu jai foto. “Jee.. koks gražuolis.. Bet Peugeaut.” Tėtis.”Close”
“Open” 65% biudžeto. Mašina. Važiuojanti. Kabrioletas. Juodas.. Hmm… Taupus, važiuoja, pigus, kabrioletas!!!
Kažkaip reikia pranešti tėčiui. “Close”.

Laiškas – nuoroda “Sent”
Na taip. Pradžioj pagalvojo kad bajeris. Tada miestelio-kolegos automobilių meistrai sužinojo kokią beprotę dukrą tėtis turi, ir kad jai šovė į galvą pirkt Peugeot ir dar kabrioletą!!!<…>
Bet visgi kažkokių keistų sutapimų atsitiktinumų dėka tas autombilis Atsirado pas tėtį kieme. Ir.. dar didesnių pastangų dėka, man teko jį iš ten išmonyti..

Savaitgalį grįžau namo. Vakare tėtis paprašė raktelių kad įvarytų automobilį į garažą. Po kelių minučių pasigedau telefono ir supratau kad matyt būsiu palikus mašinoje. Išeinu laukan. Garažas tuščias. Nei tėčio, nei automobilio..

<…>
-Gal.. Klausyk.. Vasarą kokią savaitę.. aš duosiu Tau savo Audi..baby-im-cabrio

BANZAYYY metodas

Visi mes susiduriame su vienokiais ar kitokiais tikslais, kuriuos turime pasiekti ir tarti: “Padariau!” arba dar geriau “Padarėm!”. Yra keletas metodų, kaip judėti tų tikslų link:
Planinis metodas
⦁ Nustatomas konkretus tikslas;
⦁ Nustatomas konkretus terminas terminas kada tikslas turi būti pasiektas;
⦁ Nustatomi žingsniai kuriuos reikia atlikti tikslui pasiekti;
⦁ Nustatomi kiekvieno žingsnio terminai, kada jie turi būti įgyvendinami;
⦁ Pasidalinami darbai;
⦁ Pristatomi rezultatai;
⦁ Trakšt, brakšt..Babaaahhh..
Agile metodas
⦁ Nustatomas konkretus tikslas;
⦁ Nustatomas konkretus terminas terminas kada tikslas turi būti pasiektas;
⦁ Numatomi žingsniai kuriuos reikia atlikti tikslui pasiekti;
⦁ Numatomi žingsnių terminai, kiek jie turi užtrukti;
⦁ Žingsniai vykdomi paeiliui ir kiekviename žingsnyje pasitikriname situaciją ir rezultatus ir esant poreikiui planas koreguojamas.
⦁ Rezultatai;
Agile metodo principai:
1. Aktyvus užsakovo įtraukimas yra būtinas;
2. Komandos nariams suteikiamos teisės priimti sprendimus;
3. Užduoties reikalavimai gali kisti eigoje, bet darbų galutinis terminas nekinta ir yra fiksuotas pradiniam susitarime.
4. Reikalavimai suvokiami strategiškai (at a high level);
5. Darbai vykdomi mažais žingsneliais,
6. Į kitą žingsnį pereinama tik vieną žingsnį galutinai užfikasvus;
7. Kiekvieno žingsnio rezultatai testuojami, aptariami, pristatomi užsakovui.
8. Taikoma Pareto taisyklė (80/20)
9. Testavimas yra vykdomas visame projecto cikle – nuo ansktyviasių stadijų ir dažnai;
10. Pastovs bendradarbiavimas tarp visų projekto dalyvių ir užsakovų yra būtinas.
Agile metodas yra populiariausias įvairiausiuose verslo projektų valdymuose, tačiau jo ištakos yra nedidelio IT specialistų 2001 metais diskusija, kuomet jie pasiguodė kad tradiciniai programų kūrimo metodai žlunga pernelyg dažnai ir tiesiog reikėjo surasti kitą būdą. Tuomet jie sutarė dėl Agile manifesto, kuris skelbia 4 svarbiausias vertybes tiek pat aktualias dabar, tiek tuomet 2001. Manifestas teigia:
“Mes vertiname:
Individualius žmones ir jų sąveiką bet ne procesus ir įrankius;
Veikiančias programas o ne suprantamą dokumentaciją;
Vartotojo bendradarbiavimą o ne kontrakto derybas;
Reagciją į pokyčius o ne aklą plano sekimą.”

Na ir yra dar vienas metodas. Ir ne, neatspėjote. Šiuo metodu visai nebūtinai šokti iš krūmų garsiai rėkiant ir išgąsdinus visas aplink esančias antis visu ūgiu tėkštis į balą. Visgi pagrindiniai šio metodo suplanuoti etapai:
⦁ Tikslas;
⦁ Rezultatas;
Ir kaip bebūtų keista šis metodas.. visai veikia.. Kol visi meet’inasi, planuoja, svarsto už ir prieš kurdami šviesų rytojų atsiranda tokių išsišokėlių kurie ima ir “daro”. Šio metodo efektyvumo paslaptis, kad vykdytojas (dažniausiai yra vienas) prisiima visą atsakomybę ir inirtingai siekia galutinio tikslo kuris ilgų diskusijų gausiame būryje metu neretai būna pametamas.
Ne, ir vėl neatspėjote. Aš už Agile. Bet jo esmę tikrai suvoks turbūt tik tie, kurie bent kartą praėjo visą BANZAYYY 😛

 

Cucumbers

(J)- The weather changes so fast.. No sun again..

(Dorotti) – Yeah.. I went to the market this morning and was caught by the shower. Came back wet as a kitten..:)

(J)- I hope you bought an umbrella;)

(Dorotti) – No! Cucumbers only.

[Monday morning]

Come to work. Put my laptop on the dock. Deep breath in and turn the computer on.

No new emails so far.. But the phone starts ringing. The screen is flashing with different photos of the callers and sometimes I even see one picture on the phone screen, and another voice on the phone receiver. And yet another beeping on the busy line. Late for the meeting! Grab my laptop and run away… Then another.. and again another..Missed calls, New letters, I am happy if someone is late and I get a chance to work on some tasks I must do.. Nope.. everyone is here..

[Tuesday morning]

<…> Laptop, dock, deep breath. Start!

Emails.. Emails.. More task to do.. Calls.. Meetings. So many tasks I didn’t completed yet.. I am late late late.. Go..

[<…>]

[Friday]

I walk to work very calm.. Slowly..

I smile.

Letters.. calls.. meetings..

Usually people are nice . Sometimes they are not. But in general they do not approve me. They just want things happen very fast, no matters how. Good or bad. Just no difference. Just finish it and make a tick – done.  I smile.

The only Lucifer never questions me, never gives any answers just sit sometimes calmly next to me (very very rarely though) and tell same and same story again:

– If I ever knew how it would be.. I had never entered the Russian business..

And it’s all I need. Fully charged and ready for the next ‘fight’..

<..>

Go home. Climb that flat hill carrying the computer on my back and the tears are rolling down my face. Don’t know why, don’t know how, but they are there.. I used to run the steepest hills. But now I am slow. Just moving forward.

Step after step..

Home. Crash in the sofa.. Seems like heaven.. And the tears are free with the full stream..Lets go sleep early today.. 10 o’clock. 12 o’clock 1..2.. Leave the book finally and  fell asleep.

[Weekend]

– Why are you doing that?..

– ..

– Will they pay you for that?..

– No..

– Will you be somehow honored for the work you done?..

– No.

– And if you succeed finally.. Will someone know what did you do there?..

– Don’t think so..

– So why are you killing yourself?.. Life will pass away very quickly..

–  I Have a Chance to Make a Difference..

The Picture

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I was sauntering through IKEA as I saw The Picture. It was a huge picture with the Paris view. It was almost perfect for my new home, but.. Well.. I am broke and I am buying a (temporary) kitchen table for 17Eur and the pictures cost was about 30Eur. Not quite a rational purchase..

As I approached the cashiers I met my sister. We both stand for a queue. And I said her about the picture I saw.

– So go and take it! – she said. –  Just hurry up as I am standing a queue for you too!

I headed straightly to the picture department running while pushing the furniture carriage packed with a kitchen table in it. The carriage was trotting making a huge noise but I did not have time to slow it down.   I finally reached my destination grabbed the last piece of picture and turned back to the cashiers. My sister was already looking for me coming back as the price scanning process of our stuff had already started. I was just in time! As we paid and packed, my sister’s husband met our smiling faces. And he was not happy at all..

– Are you two out of your minds?!! How the hell will we pack that thing into the car?!!

Well.. we.. somehow.. packed it.. But one of us was not fitting into the car anyway. My sister decided to stay ant wait till me and my picture would be consigned home and her husband would be back to take her.

As we left I realized that I lost my mobile while trotting with my picture trough the loops of different store departments. But my sister was there to find it..

                                                                               The Table

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P.S. I love my sister!

Trail Running People

Just wanted to share my old text to the world. (Tried to translate from Lithuanian.)

We don’t have mountains here.. But we do have best runners on earth!

[2014 03 30]

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While running the trails we own some rules. You can’t find them published and framed, but all runners know them. It’s all natural and goes without saying:

 Stop to help runners you see on the trail that are really struggling.  You might be in first, you might be on your way to your best trail/ultra race ever, but you’re not going to win a lot of points with the trail running gods if you pass someone in need.  I’m not saying you have to drop everything – 15 or 20 seconds is all you need to stop, make eye contact, and gently ask “hey buddy, you doing alright?” We all hit a low point at some stage of the race, or at some point in the season, and sometimes it makes a world of difference just to know that someone else is reaching out.  That might be just enough to get that person through a slump.

Offer food. Offer water. Offer electrolytes. Offer whatever you have.  You’re in a better state, and somewhere down the line someone else will pass on the favour.“

Trail is what I was looking for without knowing it even existed. The nature, sun, wind, hils, tree roots.. My tired legs.. And people.. Running all together, waiting each other, teaching, laughing..

I do remember my first trail workout. It was John who invited us to try it. There were 5 persons there and I was one of the slowest. I do remember as I saw the first steep hill and though: “Wow.. Well.. I will somehow chuff on and then will be easier..” As we descended there was another hill and yet another one.. And the final 60m steep skiing peak emerged in front of my eyes.. I do not remember that tiredness, just the very large snowflakes falling slowly on the Autumnal grass.. And I also remember the thirst which came after all the runners left. There were 4km left till my home and I could hardly stand on my feet because of tiredness and dehydration. But I had to run, because I would freeze by walking.. There where water puddles of the melted snow on the sidewalk as I run and I could barely refrain from drinking it.. Now every time as I run I pour my hydra bag full in order I could share with others if needed. And  it’s good to train my back to carrying the weight also.

I have a complex that I am always running too slowly. That other are bored with me and are just wasting their time instead of training themselves normally. It’s really worthy to run with stronger runners as they can teach you many things. Can teach the running technique, nutrition, strategy. I always liked to run to the hills. Just like the feeling as I muster my energy and my muscles carries me forward to the top. Then I get down easily, recover and start my battle again. And it was John who turned my perception upside down: You somehow get to the top, and then you fly!.. downwards..

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These workouts had enthralled me. I could barely wait for the weekends to go flying down these hills on the day light. Of course there is so much more fun to run with the company. I did comprehend that all the runners should run in the groups according to their pace. So I did try to invite more runners of my level not to bother the strongest ones. But deep in my heart I hoped to meet them also on the run. And as someone agreed to meet me for the run, John was always announcing: “I will join you!”

equality

John was that magnet who attracted all the runners and joined us together to one family. And he was that real father or our. Just because he always run together with us, we were rooting for the whole Lithuanian triplet at Trans Gran Canaria run. He was that thread who connected us to the strongest ones.

Andrew. Yeah.. The UltraAdventurer. The God of all runners!! I met him a year ago when looking for help in the treatment of trauma.. I still remember as I was afraid to go to that God with my earthy and soiled problems. I do remember as I was timidly waiting at the reception and the exterior doors got opened, the lite spread in and he walked his easy steps out from that divine haze and became a “simple” human. And now, as a simple runner he joins us to run together. On the same pace, not rushing anywhere, giving precious advise, taking photos and preserving the most joyful moments of our. Wasting his time.. But I have no doubts that time will buy off as he will take part int the races and we all will be wholeheartedly rooting for our Friend. Not a god. And we all will be proud to be Lithuanians, because our friend Lithuanian, who ran with us on our dirty land, will finish among the strongest world ultra runners.

As the running workouts started expand I thought we would have to split in to the groups inevitably and I count the lasts days when have a chance to run with the most experienced runners. I looked like logical that each runner has to train according his ability and not to bother the others. I volunteered to guide the slowest group. But Paul had said: “We will not leave the girls!!”  And someone commented: “Yeah.. They would probably be not safe at the park alone..” And I got rebel.. That’s me who runs alone at nights.. I am strong!  Didn’t you know it?? I am training and forged to be strong! But thanks them all no one was left. We all run together. Rejoicing wonderful company.

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I sometimes am missing so much for the luxury to be weak .. Knowledge that someone will take care .. But now I know that if sometime I will be very very hard and I will be weak – I will not be alone ..

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